Drama
Issue #2
Mother Goose
1.3
The Village
The Village
Fairies are onstage
Virtue: I am Fairy Virtue, with hands as soft as my face
I always try and bring happiness, to each and every place
It doesn’t matter who you are, or what life you have lead
I’ll be there to bring a smile, on the road ahead
Vanity: I am Fairy Vanity, the evil one of the three
The main aim in my life, is looking after me
So if you want to be my friend, you will have to pay
I accept all credit cards, and cheques if they’re ok
Vimto: My name is Fairy Vimto, and I will keep this quick
I like lots of fizzy drinks, they never make me sick
I drink Vimto every day, I often like to slurp
It doesn’t matter who’s around, I’ll always have a burp!
Virtue: Oh just look at all the boys and girls. Hello boys and girls
Vanity: Don’t encourage them
Virtue: Come on Vanity, we’re all here to have a good time
Vanity: I don’t think so
Vimto: Listen, I’ve just heard a great new joke – what do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a rose? A collie-flower!
Virtue: I’ve got a better one – what do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head – Sister Matic!
Vanity: (To audience) Shall we all go home now?
Virtue: I hope you’re not going to be this miserable for the whole show
Enter Dame
Dame: Oh look, it’s Atomic Kitten
Vanity: Great, another comedian
Virtue: Hello, what can we do for you?
Dame: Ooh I don’t know. What have you got?
Virtue: A years supply of happiness
Vanity: A years supply of good looks
Vimto: Or a years supply of Vimto
Dame: Can I have four months of each?
Virtue: I’m afraid not. You can only choose one
Dame: Well how much does it cost?
Vimto: Seeing as it’s Wednesday and seeing as it’s you - £25
Dame: What if it was Tuesday and somebody else?
Vimto: £20
Dame: Oh that’s alright then
Virtue: So what’s it to be?
Dame: Well seeing as I’ve still got my looks and I’m pretty happy at the moment, I think I’ll go for the Vimto
Vimto: Good choice. That’ll be £25 please
Dame: Would you take an I.O.U?
Vimto: No, sorry
Dame: (To audience) Hey, has anyone got a spare 50 I could borrow?
Virtue: Hang on, it’s only 25
Dame: Yes, but they don’t know that (Goes into audience)
Vanity: Did you get anything?
Dame: 3 buttons and a boiled sweet that’d been on the floor
Vimto: What about the money?
Dame: Hmm. I suppose I’ll just have to sell something
Virtue: Like what?
Dame: My body
Vimto: Well that’s 50p sorted, what about the rest?
Dame: Cheeky
Virtue: Haven’t you got anything at home?
Dame: Only the kids and I’d have to pay someone to take them
Vimto: Well maybe another time then
Dame: No wait, there is one thing. The Goose
Virtue: What Goose?
Dame: My Goose
Vimto: Is it a magic Goose?
Dame: Not really, but it can talk
Virtue: Well that must be worth something
Dame: That’s right. Come with me and we’ll go and get the Goose.
Exit Dame and Fairies
Enter Sam and Cybo-Rex
Sam: Hello everybody. Remember my saying – Can I fix it? (etc with audience) Oh that’s great and it’s nice to see you’re still here. Hey Cybo-Rex, I’ve just been thinking, seeing how you’re a dog, could you save me money on my scooter insurance?
Cybo-Rex: Oh yes
Sam: Just by ringing (01904) 727272
Cybo-Rex: Oh yes
Sam: But I bet there’s a lot of paperwork to complete
Cybo-Rex: Oh no no no no no
Sam: Well in that case, I’ll give the dog a bone (gives him a bone)
Enter Grapevine
Grapevine: Hi Sam, what you up to?
Sam: Nothing really, but I’ve just come back from a great place
Grapevine: Really?
Sam: Oh yeah, you could drink as much as you wanted, it was full of half naked women and it only cost 2 quid to get in
Cybo-Rex: Where was that then?
Sam: Barbican swimming baths
Grapevine: Oh very funny. Anyway. I’ve got some gossip for you
Sam: I’m not interested
Cybo-Rex: I am
Grapevine: It’s about your sister, Jill. She’s in love with the baddie’s nephew Jack and I saw them…
Sam: Stop. Too much information
Enter Goose
Goose: Make way fellow actors for the star of the show
Sam: And who’s that then?
Goose: Why me of course
Sam: Sorry, but what makes you the star of the show?
Goose: The title – ‘Mother Goose’
Sam: So...
Goose: So, I am the Goose referred to therein
Sam: Oh right. I thought you were a duck
Grapevine: Or a chicken
Cybo-Rex: More like a turkey
Goose: Oh you’re only jealous because I got the part of the goose and you didn’t. You know, I had to beat off lots of competition for this part
Sam: Oh come off it, you only got the part because you could fit into the costume and 3 other people were allergic to feathers
Goose: I’ll have you know that without me there would be no plot to this pantomime
Sam: You mean there is one?
Goose: Without me, you lot wouldn’t even be here
Sam: You mean I could have gone bowling for the night
Cybo-Rex: And I could be surfing the net?
Goose: That’s right. But thanks to me, you’re all here
Cybo-Rex: Sam, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Sam: Sure am. Get her (chase)
Goose: Help help, I’m being man-handled
Enter Jill, Jane, Jill’s friends and Bob
Jill: Goodness me, what on earth is going on – leave the Goose alone
Goose: (Goes behind Jill and pulls face at the others) Thanks Jill. They were all being nasty to me
Cybo-Rex: Were not
Goose: Were too
Sam: Anyway sis, what’s this I hear about you and your new lover-boy
Jill: How did you know about that?
Sam: Oh nothing gets passed me
Goose: Yeah right (Sings) He heard it through the Grapevine!
Sam: (to audience) It doesn’t get much better than this folks
Jane: So what have you been up to then Sam?
Sam: Nothing really. Just a chillin and a millin. Hanging out with me bud
Jane: Be careful, too much excitement might kill you!
Sam: Hey, don’t knock it. You know, this is a great town to be in and this is a great street to live on. I mean, there’s the Wetherby Whaler, Cooplands, The Slug and Lettuce, HMV 4 mobile phone shops and most importantly – our house
SONG: Our House (Sam/Jill/Jane/Jill’s Friends/Bob/Goose/Grapevine)
Exit Jane/Jill’s Friends/Bob/Grapevine
Enter Dame and Fairies
Dame: Here we are then. I said it wasn’t far
Vanity: 3 miles with my feet – they’ll be twice the size in the morning
Virtue: A nice brisk walk never did anyone any harm
Vimto: Anyone got a drink? I’m parched
Vanity: Oh be quiet. Now, where’s the Goose?
Virtue: Don’t be in such a hurry. Remember, patience is a virtue
Dame: Oh Goosy, where are you?
Sam: She’s hiding
Dame: Why?
Sam: Apparently she heard someone was going to sell her and send her away
Dame: Never, who’d do a thing like that?
Sam: Er, you?
Dame: Oh goosy, goosy? Goosy get your goosy behind out here before your goose is well and truly cooked
Goose: Oh please don’t send me away
Dame: So what do you think?
Virtue: Hmm, a bit on the scrawny side, but on the whole, she’s not bad
Dame: Right then, here’s the Goose as payment for my years supply of Vimto
Vimto: Oh no, that’s no good. Cash only I’m afraid
Dame: But it’s worth £25 of anybody’s money. Alright, anybody want to buy a goose? Going cheap at £25
Jill: Mother, the only person with that kind of money around here is Squire Charlie McNasty
Dame: Really? Well then that’s where I will go. Come on you
Goose: It’s not right this – animals have feelings too
Exit Dame and Goose
Vimto: Hey, speaking of money, Virtue, have you got that £2 you owe me?
Virtue: Er no. But hang on a minute. Vanity, I don’t suppose you’ve got £2 I could borrow?
Vanity: No, but I’ve got £1 if that’s of any use
Virtue: Thanks. I’ll pay you back later. Here Vimto, I’ve got £1 I can give you but I’ll have to owe you the other pound
Vimto: That’s ok
Sam: Hey Vimto, have you got that £2 I leant you?
Vimto: Er, no, but I’ve got a pound. I’ll have to owe you the other one
Sam: That’s ok
Jill: Sam, what about that £2 you on me?
Sam: Oh well I’ve only got a pound. Here. I’ll have to owe you the other
Jill: Ok. Virtue, you know that £2 I owe you. I can give you a pound but I’ll have to owe you the other one
Virtue: That’s ok. Hey Vimto, you know that pound I still owe you. Well here it is. Now we’re all square
Vimto: Thanks. Hey Sam, you know that pound I owe you, well here it is. Now we’re all square
Sam: That’s great. Hey Sis, you know I still owe you a pound, well as it happens I’ve just come into some money, so here you are. Now we’re all square
Jill: Thanks Sam. Virtue, you know that pound I owe you, well here it is, now we’re all square
Virtue: Thanks. Hey Vanity, you know I borrowed that pound from you a few minutes ago, well here it is. That’s us all square
Vanity: Thanks very much
Cybo-Rex: Hmm, think I’ll go down to the dog pound and see if that works there!
Exit Cybo-Rex (the rest watch him, shrugging their shoulders)
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