Drama

Mother Goose

1.1
The Village

                        SONG: ‘Stomp’  (Everyone)

At the end of the song everyone off except the Dame who continues dancing

Dame:              Hey, where did everyone go?  Ah well, who cares about that lot, you’re all here.  How are you? I’m fine, thanks for asking Mother Goose, how are you? I hear you’ve not been well? That’s right, but I’m ok now – oh come on you lot, at least pretend you’re going to enjoy yourselves.  I know, there’s a big kiss for the man who laughs the loudest tonight.  Well what about it fellas – who’s game? (Shouts offstage) Tell Kylie to go home, looks like no winner again tonight.  Oh you didn’t think it was me did you?  In your dreams mush!  No, I’m saving myself for someone special.  I’m a chased woman.  I am and would you believe I’ve never been caught!  No, the man I’m looking for will be one of those knew men – all macho like but doesn’t mind doing the washing up.  You know, big muscles but soft hands – catch my drift girls?  Still, I can’t wait too much longer cos I’m not getting any younger.  I’m sagging in places I never knew I had.  I may have to start setting my sights lower.  Goodbye Tony Blair, hello Lionel Blair! And he’d have to be a family man – well, he’d have to put up with my lot – they make the teletubbies look normal.  Do you want to meet them?  I said do you want to meet them?  Oh children…oh children…oy, you lot, get your bottoms out here now

Enter Sam, Jill, Goose and Cybo-Rex

Sam:                 Hey Mum, you’re looking glam tonight

Dame:              The answers no

Sam:                 But

Dame:              Whatever it is, the answers no

Sam:                 What, not even a small one?

Dame:              Not likely – small one’s are the worst

Jill:                    Mum…

Dame:              No

Jill:                    But Mum…

Dame:              No.  The last time you borrowed it the wheel fell off and you nicked the batteries.  Now be quiet you two, I want to introduce you to my new friends

Sam:                 Mother’s got friends?

Dame:              This is our Sam,  who’s about to take a trip to casualty

Sam:                 Am I?

Dame:              And this is Jill, my young, pretty, slim, cellulite free daughter.  Some people say we could be sisters

Sam:                 But they’re all locked up

Goose:             Hey, don’t forget me  - I’m the Goose

Cybo-Rex:       And I’m the family dog, Cybo-Rex

Dame:              Just a minute you two, don’t go getting all intellectual on them.  It’s a panto audience you know

Jill:                    Mum, can we have a chat.  I want to talk to you about something

Dame:              What, about your athletes foot or facial hair?

Jill:                    I had a subject in mind

Dame:              Oh come on then – and Goosy, you can come too, this is a girl thing

Sam:                 Mum, can I climb some trees whilst you’re gone?

Dame:              Of course, but don’t come running to me if you break your leg

                        Exit Dame, Jill and Goose

Sam:                 Go on Cybo, you go too.  I want to talk to the boys and girls

Cybo-Rex:       Oh do I have to

Sam:                 Yes

Cybo-Rex:       Do I really have to?

Sam:                 Look, there’s a Scooby snack in it for you if you do

Cybo-Rex:       Ok (take snack and runs off)

                        Exit Cybo-Rex

Sam:                 Ah that’s better.  Hiya boys and girls!  My name’s Sam and I’m the comic in this show – oh  yes I am (etc with audience) Anyway, I’m a bit of a handyman you know.  Oh yes, there’s always things getting broken around this place – and it’s my job to fix it.  The problem is, some people don’t think I’m a very good handyman.  I said, some people don’t think I’m a very good handyman (ah’s from audience) So I thought you lot might like to help me out.  What I want you to do is everytime I shout ‘Can I fix it’ I want you to shout back as loud as you can ‘Yes you can’,  Do you think you can do that?  I said, do you think you can do  that?  Well let’s have a try.  Here we go – Hey boys and girls, can I fix it? (audience) Gosh, is

there anyone out there?  Come on, I know you can shout twice as loud as that.  Let’s have another go.  Hey boys and girls, can I fix it? (audience).  Wow, that’s great.  So what do you  think to my Mum then?  She’s a bit funny if you ask me, and I don’t mean funny ‘ha, ha’.  I think she was dropped on her head as a child, then as a teenager and then again last week.  Hey, what do you think to my dog Cybo-Rex?  He’s just like a real dog, but without the fur.  And you wouldn’t believe where the batteries go.  Hey, shall I shout him back?  Shall I? Cybo, here boy

                        Enter Cybo-Rex

Cybo-Rex:       Hey Sam, what’s cooking?  Any more Scooby snacks?

Sam:                 Could be – that’s if you show the boys and girls some of the tricks I’ve taught you

Cybo-Rex:       Hmm, ok, you’ve got a deal

Sam:                 Everyone, Cybo will now stand on one leg. Cybo will now sit down.  Cybo, spin around.

Cybo-Rex:       Hey Sam, I’ve learnt a new trick all by myself – want to see it?

Sam:                 Shall we boys and girls? 

Cybo-Rex:       Ok, here goes (walks round to Sam and cocks his leg)

Sam:                 Why you stupid mutt, come back here (chase)

                        Exit Cybo-Rex and Sam

                        Enter Jill, Jane and Jill’s Friends

Jane:                 Come on Jill, why are you so fed up?

Girl 1:               Yeah, this isn’t like you

Jill:                    I’m just sick of the village that’s all.  I mean there’s nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Girl 2:               I know what you need – an ice-cream, that’ll cheer you up

Girl 3:               No, get your hair done – works for me

Girl 4:               Retail therapy – never fails

Danielle:           Oh come of it.  What Jill needs is a man

Jane:                 Danny, you’ve got a lot to learn girl

Jill:                    No, she could be right.  I mean I’ve been single for far too long

Jane:                 You only dumped Mike last night

Jill:                    the thing is I just want someone exciting to come and sweep me off my feet                   

Girl 5:               My cousins a street cleaner

Jane:                 Alright Jill, tell us about your ideal man

                        Enter Jack and Sooty (Jack and Sooty aren’t seen by them and they mimic actions throughout)

Jill:                    Well he’d have to be fairly tall….definitely brown hair, quite long but swept back

Jane:                 What about his eyes?

Jill:                    Definitely two of them…and he’d have to be a good dresser – I always think blue looks good on a guy

Girl 6:               What about personality?

Jill:                    Well, someone who can be serious but then kinda laid back at the same time.  He’s definitely got to be funny and he can’t mind making a fool of himself.  He must like animals…oh, and I know this might sound kind of weird, but I’ve got this thing about guys with glasses, a big nose and a moustache (Jack puts on mask).  And finally – he’d have to be foreign

Jack:                Well G’day Sheila (All girls turn round, and scream, pointing.  Jack screams back.  Then realises they’re screaming at Sooty) Hey, hey, it’s ok.  He won’t hurt you.  This is Sooty, my pet spider

Sooty:              Pleased to meet you

Jane:                 Don’t come any closer

Jack:                There’s really no need to worry.  Sooty wouldn’t hurt a fly

Sooty:              That’s right, I love flies.  Particularly bluebottles – yummy!

Jack:                Shut it

Jill:                    But how do we know that’s not the most ferocious, man-eating, poisonous spider on this planet

Jack:                (Jack and Sooty look at each other) Hmm.  Ok.  Sooty, are you the most ferocious, man-eating, poisonous spider on this planet?

Sooty:              No

Jack:                There you are

Sooty:              But my Mother is

Jack:                (Pushes Sooty behind him) Hi, my name’s Jack. Pleased to meet you, how you doing?

Sooty:              Jack

Jack:                Lovely weather we’re having

Sooty:              Jack

Jack:                Do you come here often?

Sooty:              Jack

Jack:                What?

Sooty:              Can I do my dance now?

Jack:                What – now?

Sooty:              Well you said if I was a good boy all day – and I have been – then I could do my dance

Jack:                (To Jill) You know they say never work with children or animals, ha, I’ve got both – lucky me!

Jill:                    Your spider can dance?

Jack:                Oh yeah, taught him myself – Sooty, me ole pal – take the floor

                        DANCE: ‘Insey, Winsey, Spider (Sooty)

Jill:                    Aww, how cute

Jane:                 Hey, don’t I know you?

Jack:                I don’t think so

Jane:                 Yes I do – you’re Squire Charlie McNasty’s nephew

Jack:                Am I?

Jane:                 Yes

Jack:                Will this affect our relationship?

Jill:                    Not really

Jack:                Oh good

Jill:                    Cause we don’t have one

Jack:                But we could

Jill:                    Don’t be silly, you’re the baddies nephew – I couldn’t go out with you

Jack:                (To audience) Oh well, there goes the plot!  Look, I’m not like him.  I’m a good boy – only bad on request!  Go on, give me a try.  I only want to show you a good time

Jill:                    That’s what I’m worried about

Girl 6:               Go on Jill, you’ve been moping around all day

Girl 7:               And you did say you wanted some excitement in your life

Jack:                Look, I tell you what.  Give it a go and if you’re still bored by the time we get to the interval we’ll call it quits and we’ll all go home

Jill:                    Go on then, what have I got to loose

Jack:                That’s right, and I know just the place to take you for our first date

                        SONG: ‘Downtown’ (Jack/Sooty/Jill/Jane/Girls)

1.2
The Castle

                        Enter Squire

Squire:              Boo! (Laughs) Yes, it’s me, the one you’ve all been waiting for – the baddie love.  Oh come on, wake up, you’re not at Gala Bingo now.  Now, what do we do when the baddie comes on?  Oh, please, it’s not difficult.  We boo and hiss.  Go on, don’t be shy, give it a try!  Well this is panto you know, oh yes it is (etc with audience)  Ooh, behave!  Ok, one more go at those boos and hisses.  Ok, that’ll have to do for now I suppose.  But remember, I want lots of those boos and hisses everytime I come on.  do you think you can remember?  Look, tie a knot in your knitting love, that’ll help.  So, my name is Squire Charlie McNasty and I’m here to make your life hell (laughs). Between you and me, I’m not really that bad – I like to think of it as more accident-prone.  I mean it wasn’t my fault my kindergarten burnt down or my school blew up and ho was I to know my university would be destroyed by flooding.  Still, never mind eh?  Nothing was ever proved!  Now, this years scam in which the baddie makes pots of money, is making knock off designer gear in my factory.  But it’s out little secret right?  Don’t tell anyone

                        Enter Egor

Egor:                Where do you want the rest of this knock off designer gear guv?

Squire:              Right on cue!  Have you met my idiot sidekick?  This is Egor

Egor:                Master, why do you call me Egor?

Squire:              Because it’s your name, duh!

Egor:                But it’s not my full name.  My full name is Egoritus-titanius-cheap flight us-will he bite us-Brown.

Squire:              Or Egor for short – right!

Egor:                Er of course.  Sounds good to me.  So what do you want me to do with the stuff?

Squire:              Get rid of it

Egor:                Right, get rid of it – pardon?

Squire:              Yes, change of plans – plan C is now in operation

Egor:                Plan C, the one that comes after plans A and B?

Squire:              That’s right

Egor:                The one that comes before plan D?

Squire:              Gosh, there’s no fooling this one

Egor:                But what is plan C?

Squire:              Get rid of it

Egor:                Oh, that plan C.  What?

Squire: My nephew Jack – (dramatically) he knows!

Egor:                (Gasps) What’s happened?

Squire:              Well, it was like this

                        SONG: ‘It Wasn’t Me’ (Squire and Egor)

Egor:                Can’t you bribe Jack with money – it works for me

Squire:              No, it’s down to you Egor.  You’re going to have to sort it out

Egor:                But I can’t do it on my own.  I’ve not been well.  All that lifting’s playing havoc with my lumbago

Squire:              Oh for goodness sake.  I’ll get the angels to help you.  Oh angels?

                        Enter Angels

Angels: (seductively) Hello Charlie

Squire:              Ooh behave!

Angels: Hello Egor

Egor:                Hi (faints)

Ginger: So what can we do for you Charlie?

Squire:              Ooh behave, behave

Baby:               What’s the problem Charlie?

Squire:              Where do I start?

Egor:                Where does he start?

Sporty:             At the beginning

Squire:              Well, I was born on the first of April 1946

Egor:                1946

Ginger: Not that far back.  Move on a bit

Squire:              Well, I started Canon Lee School

Baby:               Charlie, we mean at the start of the problem

Squire:              Well why didn’t you say so?

Egor:                Yeah, why didn’t you say so

Ginger: We kinda thought it was obvious

Squire:              Not to me

Egor:                Not to me

Squire:              Egor?

Egor:                Yes master

Squire:              Re-arrange these words into a well-known phase or saying – my fist, your face, in

Egor:                Er…your fist in my face?  I don’t get it

Squire:              No, but you’re going to – now shut it.  Now where was I (Egor goes to speak) Oy, leave it!

Sporty:             Back to the plot

Baby:               What do you want us to do?

Squire:              We’ve been rumbled girls

Ginger:             You mean Jack’s found out about your latest scam and you want our help to sort it out

Squire:              That’s right

Ginger: Well, we’ve been giving it some thought and we believe there’s only one option

Angels: Kill him

Squire:              Hmm, I never thought of that (smiles)

Egor:                Master, are you alright?

Squire:              Of course I’m alright Egor

Egor:                Yes but master, you’re smiling

Squire:              I know

Egor:                In that case, I will smile too! (smiles)

Squire:              Now angels, tell me how we could kill him

Baby:               I’ve got a bottle of poison

                        I urge you give it a try

                        A drop of two of this

                        And he will surely die

Squire:              Nah, not really my style

Sporty:             Here’s another thought for you

                        It involves a piece of lead

                        Swing it round up and down

                        Then whack him on the head

Squire:              Maybe…or maybe not

Ginger: Then get him into your bat-mobile

                        And drive him to a cliff

                        Throw him on the rocks below

                        And I guarantee a stiff

Squire:              Ooh behave!!

Baby:               So what’s it to be Charlie?

Squire:              I’m not sure.  So many options I just can’t decide what to do first

Egor:                What about Jack, why don’t we ask him?

Squire:              Oh what a good idea

Egor:                I’m full of good ideas me

Squire:              You’re full of something.  Now angels…

Angels: Yes Charlie

Squire:              Your mission, should you accept it, is to bring Jack to me as soon as possible

Angels: Ok Charlie

                        DANCE: ‘James Bond’ (Angels)
                        Exit Angels

Squire:              Why do they always have to do that?

Egor:                Well I quite like it

Squire:              And where are you going?

Egor:                I thought I’d go and get rid of the evidence, just incase things don’t work out at your end

                        Exit Egor

Squire:              (Laughs) Once Jack’s out of the way, no-one can stop me taking over the world – or opening a shop in Cleethorpes – well, you’ve got to start somewhere

                        Enter Angels and Jack

Ginger: Charlie, we’re back

Squire:              Gosh angels, you’re good.  How did you find him so fast?

Jack:                Well I was only having a cuppa in the wings, not exactly a Scooby Doo mystery was it?

Squire:              Ah hello Jack.  How are we today?

Jack:                Look just get straight to the point – what do you want

Squire:              Ok, if that’s the way you want it – I’m going to kill you

Jack:                Right.  Well…that’s different

Squire:              How do you mean?

Jack:                Well do you know something I don’t?  I mean, have you got a different script to me?  It’s just I could have sworn I made it into Act 2

Squire:              Ah yes, well

Jack:                Now if there’s been a re-write, nobody told me.  I think I need a word with that director

Squire:              For goodness sake lad, just chill.  Look, it’s called Ad-Libbing.  You know, see how we go, see how we bounce off each other.  So what d’you say?

Jack:                I’ll bounce you in a minute

Squire:              Look, just follow my lead and you’ll be fine

Jack:                If I don’t make it into Act 2 you’re in serious trouble

Baby:               Charlie, here’s the poison

Sporty:             And the lead piping

Ginger: And here’s the car keys

Jack:                Oh don’t tell me it’s the old poison, lead piping and car keys routine – that is so last year

Squire:              Shut up, I am loosing the will to live

Jack:                Anyway, why the sudden urgency to kill me?

Squire:              Tell him angels

Ginger: Because you know all about your uncle’s illegal designer gear scam.

Sporty:             That means you could blackmail him

Baby:               And then get him to do anything you want

Squire:              Er, angels?

Angels: Yes Charlie

Squire:              Just a little bit too much information don’t you think?

Angels: Sorry Charlie

Squire:              No come here Jack

Jack:                No

Squire:              Come on, I’m not going to hurt you

Jack:                Yeah right

Squire:              Angels, tie him up

Angels: Yes Charlie

Squire:              Right sunshine, it’s been nice knowing you – or not

                        Enter Egor

Egor:                Master, what are you doing?

Squire:              Killing Jack

Egor:                But that’s not in the script

Jack:                That’s what I’ve been trying to tell him but he won’t listen.  Apparently we’re ad-libbing, we’re bouncing off each other

Squire:              That’s it, I’ve had enough.  Jack, how do you want to die?

Baby:               I’ve got the poison

Sporty:             I’ve got the lead piping

Ginger: And I’ve got the car keys

Jack:                Hmm, tough decision, but I think I’ll go for the car keys

Squire:              Good choice.  Right, untie him and give him the car keys

Ginger: But Charlie

Squire:              Just do it, give Jack the keys

Jack:                Thanks.  Well, I’ll be off then

                        Exit Jack (Sounds of a Car screeching away can be heard)

Squire:              Bugger.  I’ve been had!

NEXT

Charlotte Grey