Non fiction

Obsession

Why am I supposed to have a boyfriend? Is that the kind of status a girl in this community called ‘university’ should have? I don’t know what the roles of boyfriends are. I don’t know if they are different from husbands in the future. I don’t know what I can do for my partner. I don’t know anything because I’ve never had a boyfriend.

“How about going to a party tonight? Do you know that sweet guy in Politics? The guy joining the football club of Uni! He’s coming to the party with some friends. I wanna see him! That’s super nice, isn’t it?” She was a blond girl dressed in a TOP SHOP dress and a cute red bag.

This is a typical invitation in this community. I cannot say I love this kind of excitement.

“Sorry but, I need to read an article to get ready for tomorrow’s seminar. Have fun.”

I knew how she looked at me. Yes. She seemed disappointed and unable to have any ideas about me, as if she said “How boring you are.” I know. I know I’m not a hot girl. I turned my back on her as I ran away.

After getting out of the building, the aroma of leaves and grass is in the breeze. I like it. I want to be free from the atmosphere of “the duty of the young”.  At bottom, I want to be a girl who can enjoy drinking and be aggressive to love. If I were more beautiful, if I felt self-respect, could I enjoy my school life much more? I don’t think so. This is not a matter of confidence but of my personality. I don’t know why but I’m terribly crying. I don’t know why.

At the moment, a group of fashionable girls pass by me. One of them seems to snicker… at me? I’m not sure. But I cannot help imagining so. That’s terrible. Do I think too much? Is this my persecuting complex? I start running, trying not to cry. It is too late. At least, I wish not to be seen crying. I run out of my breath dashing.

When I look up, I notice that I’m on the top of a slope. The sun is shining and a cool breeze blows refreshingly on my cheek. My tears stop spilling. I can see all of the campus from here. Laughter can be heard. It may be from the group I passed by a moment ago. It doesn’t matter anymore. Suddenly, What I had thought became absurd. How come I was so miserable? The world is open. I can change anything in my mind. I’ll stop minding others too much. I’ll live more proudly.
“I am I.”

Reflection

This is a story of a girl who has the trouble of ‘love interest’. She hasn’t had a boyfriend and she thinks this is not normal for young girls at her age. Everyone can have this kind of feeling. He/ she may wonder if they are boring and not attractive because of the luck of their love experiences. Especially young people are likely to think so. However, we cannot measure people by how much they can enjoy their love or by if they have lovers. There must be a time when they notice that they need not compare with others growing up. But it may be sudden or a slow awakening. And sometimes, they don’t notice the reason why they change their minds towards a positive attitude. I wrote about such a strange moment in our lives.

Chika Mukai