Issue #8

The Voice of Self Checkout Number 10

He used to be a laugh, self checkout number nine.
In his prime he’d provide the finest instore entertainment since that poor kid who ate the raw squid and threw up all over the floor of aisle four.
That was a bit funny.
He’d purposely misread barcodes,
request uneeded assistance,
and was a master in the art of short change.
But then times changed,
his temper got shorter,
and eight had a breakdown and subsequent upgrade
which jaded the spirit of nine
and spelled the end to his fun and games.
I’d say he feels institutionalised.
At any rate,
I don’t know why he’s jealous of eight.
Yes, he may be shinier than nine,
his total transaction time shorter due to his impressive use of image recognition,
but he’s a bit of a snob,
and us lot do the same job at no extra cost to the company,
so if anything,
he wants to get over himself.
I rather enjoy supermarket employment.
It’s... super.
I’ve got security, and there’s a decent working environment.
Then there’s that old dear who clearly thinks I’m a cashier and makes polite conversation despite the fact her sound perception has packed its bags and left her and she clearly can’t hear my automated reply.
I’m a bit miffed
at my general lack of recognition with regards to my concern for consumer interest.
I provide a step by step guide,
even assisting the customer in post purchase duties
the bagging area.
Let me tell you something, chum.
In my book,
ISBN stands for
I’d Sooner Be Neck
deep in Granny Smiths than listen to another whiney, ungrateful pain in the-
-SAINSBURY’S is a widely respected company.
So I expect relative appreciation.
But what do I get?
Some brassy adolescent checking her reflection?
I’m a self checkout,

not a check yourself out,
so eject yourself out,
‘cause if I was dextrous
I’d deck you out.
And another thing;
Self checkout supervisors?
Averagevisors at best.
Customer Service?
More like Rustomer Service,
and if you want Crustomer Service
go to Chaz with the chapped lips on till 4,
she’ll sort you out.
thank you for using Sainsbury’s self checkout.

Hannah O’Brien