Drama
Issue #7
THE PILL GENERATION
A screenplay by
Samuel Valdes Lopez
Dramatis personae (by plot sections)
The Accident.
Narrator: Simple run of the mill narrator.
Child/Adult voiceover: The voices inside the person driving the car before the fatal collision.
DC George Carter: Gets the case assigned.
Working life.
Dr. Alexander Khan: Professional counsellor working for a data processing company in Sheffield. Middle aged, neat beard, calm voiced, bald. Vegetarian, but that's not relevant to the plot.
Felipe: One of three Mexican friends (Felipe, Jay and Ralph) who decided to move away from Mexico due to an incident that made old traumas surface back. Slightly overweight, hides insecurity behind jokes. Tries to be a player but usually gets played. Early 30s.
Seth: Sheffield-born geezer, late 20s. First friend that Felipe makes on his new job. Typical blokeish behaviour: goes to bar crawls, gigolo, talks and breathes football.
Gaz: From Manchester. Friend of Seth and Felipe. Accountant, early 30s, plays guitar in a band but keeps his rocking life away from his dull, very formal accountancy job.
Ryan McManus: Early 50s, stuffed-shirt despot boss of the division where Felipe, Seth and Gaz work at. Usual pencil-pushing, bean-counting bureaucrat that thinks humans are numbers, not people.
Looking back.
Ralph: Friend of Felipe and Jay. Supposedly doing a PhD in Science, but usually just rambling to himself and his friends with the minutiae of pulp, pop fiction, music and random memories from childhood in a middle class part of Mexico. Early 30s, shaggy hair, scruffy looking. Fat (of course).
Ciro: Ralph's cousin, who is married and is the voice of reason whenever Ralph calls him for advise. Early 30s.
Nadia: Ralph's ex-girlfriend. They still talk from time to time via Internet. Early 30s, curly hair, good humoured, a bit of a Pollyana.
Katia Miller: Unseen but often referenced to in nostalgic fashion. First girlfriend of Ralph, she's Ralph's reason to be constantly looking back instead of forward.
A tense present.
Jay: Ralph and Felipe's friend. Graphic designer, early 30s, scruffy beard (five o´clock shadow), casually dressed (denim, t-shirts, light jackets). Recurring night terrors, depressed.
Miller: Jay's best pal in London and flatmate. Mid-30s, high-roller, good job but big spender, hence having to share the flat. Genuinely cares for Jay.
Beaver: Early 30s finance analyst. Blokeish but good intentions.
Bonnie: Jay's girlfiend. Also graphic designer. Posh family disapproves of relationship with Jay, but she doesn't mind them.
Abstract:
“The Pill Generation” is an adaptation of a book I wrote over the space of a month. It's a multi-character story of friends who've known each other since they were kids and how the surroundings have changed around them. Problem is: they never noticed and when they entered their 30s, they suddenly found this strange, strange world surrounding them. Will they adapt or will it break them down? Will they cope with the vicissitudes of life and take their role in this life or will they swim against the current?
Ralph, Jay and Felipe decided one day to leave Mexico. Through different means, they achieved it and found themselves in three very different cities (Nottingham, London and Sheffield) in very different circumstances (postgraduate studies, freelancing and work). They seem to be adapting well to life in a different country, even if memories of the past pop up like flotsam and jetsam.
Between balancing their day-to-day ins and outs, they eventually have to confront a demon from their past that stops them from being ‘well-adjusted’ members of society.
Intertwined with this is a traffic accident, which is the way the story begins. A person is driving on a Sunday morning, with a stream of thoughts clouding his/her vision. The juxtaposition of the memories of being a kid and the reality of being an adult become a voice of confusion (personified as a voice over) in the driver's head, which make the decision he/she takes easier.
From this tragic event, the story flashbacks to our three main characters. The relationship with their daily lives and the accident will become clearer to the viewer and will become a reminder that although on the surface we look “ok”, you don't know the inner turmoil that might be creeping in the depths of our personalities.
Those depths, those recesses that become the foundations of memories, are personified in this script as dark rooms where a simple sound gives the cue to what makes a moment memorable. Whether it's someone flying through a windshield after a traffic incident, a water cooler bottle bubbling or just a conversation, it's these little cues that life gives us to create memories. Whether we live with our memories or die because of them – this is the gist of The Pill Generation.
BLANK SCREEN. SILENCE.
NARRATOR
Imagine a car, being driven by someone who's had enough about the vicissitudes of life.
Images of different car models flip by.
NARRATOR
There is no specific colour for the car. There is no specific brand either. It's just a regular car. Driven by someone tired of it all.
CHILD/ADULT (V.O.)
You only need to let go of the brakes. It's not hard, it doesn't require any extra effort.
NARRATOR
The voices inside the driver's mind are past and present, colliding. There is no room for the future.
SOUND F/X: Car revving up.
CHILD/ADULT (V.O.)
You just lift your foot, rotate your ankle a wee to the left and just rest it. Momentum. Push things forward.
SOUND F/X: Car speeding, screeching.
NARRATOR
The car is being driven as fast as it can be inside this city, any gray city. Maybe as an analogy of trying to get away from whatever is troubling you. Maybe the driver is a petrolhead. We may never know.
CHILD/ADULT (V.O.)
Those three chords on the radio, they form the tritone. It's the devil's note. Vade retro. Sign of the cross. Pray.
EXT. – Empty streets. Sunny day.
NARRATOR
It is a manual car, not an automatic one. That way, our driver, who might be a man or a woman, has some degree of control in this whole affair. At least more than he or she has on his or her life.
CHILD/ADULT (V.O.)
Just take your foot off the brake. Maybe you should help the gas pedal. Your other foot is working too much. Sharing is caring.
Images of happy families, churches and parks flip.
NARRATOR
Now, this is the tricky part. The driver is looking for a special place in this wonderful Sunday morning. Would a church do? No. A small, homely restaurant? No. A local park? Might.
CHILD/ADULT V.O.
RamboChrist. That's how they named it in the papers. RamboChrist. As a kid I found it disturbing and a bit guilt-ridding seeing Jesus all beat up and nailed everywhere. Imagine how I felt when a church painted Jesus like Rambo, looking ready to destroy those bastard commies and their leftist ideals?
SOUND F/X: Gear change.
NARRATOR
Past and present, clashing. The beliefs of yore, the old refuge of a creed no longer said. Our driver tries to find an answer there.
CHILD/ADULT (V.O.)
Who needs a three day period to come back to life? Get a M-79 and blow those Pharisees, you know?
SOUND F/X: Car slowing down, idling
NARRATOR
Sundays. That could mean Weddings. Confirmations. First communions. Baptisms. Family
Reunions. Oh, well. They'll have something to remember. Besides the expensive food and annoying relatives.
SOUND F/X: Car revs up, tyres squeal.
EXT. Same empty street. The camera centres on a lamppost, zoomed in completely. As the camera starts to zoom out, some music fades in.
NARRATOR
What is our driver thinking about? Oh, so many things. Not all of them good, not all of them bad. Memories. The stuff that drives us, piles on us and sometimes, stops us from enjoying ourselves.
EXT. Same empty street. Camera zooms out from lamppost slowly.
SOUND F/X: Car approaching rapidly.
NARRATOR
What makes us focus on our bad memories? Why is it that tears float so fast in that wild,
Narrator(CONT)
stormy sea we call our mind? Memories of being bullied at school. A bad experience at Sunday mass. A lost toy. A dead pet. Unfinished goals. High hopes crushed by the unforgiving hands of life.
CHILD/ADULT (V.O.)
In a way, this will be the best thing I do in my life. I will be that example that parents talk about. I will be that cautionary tale that teachers tell to students. I will be the one from my generation that everyone will talk about in a reunion and go all silent, in an awkward moment that they will eventually grow out, numb, repeat so much until it doesn't
mean anything.
EXT. Empty street. The camera stops zooming out, still centered on the lamppost. A car crashes into the lamppost.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. Dark room. A HUMAN FIGURE is floating.
NARRATOR
The pain really doesn't last that long. Even if this is only an instant that will look choppy on surveillance cameras, it feels like a lifetime to the driver. A thousand sparkling points that made up the front windshield are little stars that the driver sees floating around the hands.
Small lights, like candles, start lighting up all over the room. The HUMAN FIGURE opens its hands and the camera zooms to the palms of the hands, with bits of windshield falling into the palms.
NARRATOR
Ladies and gentlemen, we're floating in space.
FADE TO BLACK.
TITLE CARD - THE PILL GENERATION: EPISODE 1
INT. Dark room. A light bulb, like a theatre's ghost light is the only source of light. It illuminates a Newton's cradle.
DR. KHAN (O.S.)
You don't talk much, do you?
SOUND F/X: Newton's cradle clicking.
INT. Psychologist's therapy room. Afternoon. The camera zooms out from the Newton's cradle to reveal two people in the room, DR. KHAN and FELIPE. DR. KHAN looks impatient, FELIPE looks smug.
DR. KHAN
Suit yourself, I still get my wages.
FELIPE
Don't take it personally, Doc. I just don't see why I have to be here. I'm okay.
DR. KHAN
I'm okay, you're okay. We all are okay. But your boss suggested I see you.
FELIPE
(flippant)
Fine and two points. You're the shrink.
DR. KHAN
Excuse me?
FELIPE
I meant it affectionately.
DR. KHAN
No, I mean the term shrink. We don't use it here in Britain.
FELIPE
Should I call you loquero?
DR. KHAN
I don't speak Spanish, but doesn't sound like I would enjoy it.
FELIPE
I'm trying to think of a cute term in British English for it.
DR. KHAN
(firm)
You can always call me Doctor, Mr. Khan or Doc, like you have in your previous sessions.
FELIPE
(flippant)
I did?
DR. KHAN
We've established your memory is quite sound, Felipe, so, please, don't feign misremembering our previous sessions.
FELIPE
I just don't see the reason I have to come here. I'm perfectly fine.
DR. KHAN
Yes, still, McManus thinks you need someone to talk with.
FELIPE
Did my dear tlatoani complained about my attitude again? I think he doth protest too much.
DR. KHAN
(raising eyebrow)
Oh?
FELIPE
(sighing)
Besides, I have people to talk with. There's Susy, our enchanting head of A&R.
DR. KHAN scribbles.
FELIPE
Mark, Victor and Raoul, on sales. They are always good for a laugh. Joan, from Chichester...
DR. KHAN
Chester.
FELIPE
She's lovely. Always quick with a joke. You see? I have a lot of people to talk with.
DR. KHAN
You do talk with them? Really communicate with them?
FELIPE
Only the necessary. I ain't no chatterbox, Doc.
DR. KHAN
What about your very special friend, Mr. Dowd?
FELIPE
Seth? He's a laugh. He was my first friend when I arrived here to the UK.
DR. KHAN
Should we talk about him?
FELIPE
You gonna say he's a bad influence? He's a laugh, but he's quite bloke-ish.
DR. KHAN
Some people have raised concerns about you two hanging out too much.
FELIPE
He won't get any invites for tea with the Vicar, if that's what you mean. Not that he would be bothered.
DR. KHAN
Yes?
FELIPE
He is an advocate of that fool, Rat Dawkins.
DR. KHAN
Richard Dawkins?
FELIPE
Yeah, can't stand the tosser.
DR. KHAN
How come? Is it because you're catholic?
FELIPE
Well, sort of...yeah. I mean, you gotta understand that in Mexico, we get baptised before we even get any vaccines and shots and stuff. I mean, I swear my mom had some holy water injected via IV.
DR. KHAN
(scoffs)
Of course.
FELIPE
You don't get too much choice when you're a kid, Doc, and this doesn't apply only to Catholics or Mexicans. I reckon it's the same here in Britain.
DR. KHAN
Go on.
FELIPE
Look, I think I've mentioned before that I was raised Catholic and I had to go to Catholic School. Ruled by penguins with iron coated rulers.
DR. KHAN
I do believe the term is nuns (!)
FELIPE
Minor details. The thing is, I don't hate Richard Dawkins because of his writings. I just hate him because he is a spiteful and intolerant as the religious zealots he criticises.
DR. KHAN
So, do you still practise your religion?
FELIPE
No, I'm an atheist. I guess.
DR. KHAN
Because of any reading you've done?
FELIPE
No, by age 15, I was fed-up with religion. Stupid nuns. I think my parents' mistake was getting me in that horrible school. In fact, what Richard Dawkins should do is suggest to people to get their kids in religious schools. They will all end up hating religion and voilà, religion-free world for everyone.
DR. KHAN
What happened to you in Catholic school, if I may ask?
The balls in the Newton's cradle stop. FELIPE grips them in his hand and looks at DR. KHAN with an angry, disapproving stare.
FELIPE
Not what you're thinking.
DR. KHAN
Didn't mean to imply anything.
FELIPE
Course you didn't (!)
DR. KHAN
Still, something bad happened and eventually you will have to face it. You need to. It might be troubling you.
FELIPE
I'm okay.
DR. KHAN
Course you are (!)
FELIPE
Don't get snarky, Doc.
DR. KHAN
Take your time, but do think about it.
FELIPE
Is my hour over? Time flies.
DR. KHAN
Therapy is not about time in this office. It's about the time you dedicate to yourself, on your own, honestly, to affront what's troubling you.
FELIPE
So, am I crazy?
DR. KHAN
I've mentioned before this, Felipe, and I'll mention it again: we never say crazy or any other derogatory terms. The only term I will say right now is that depression is the common cold of mind problems.
FELIPE
(angry)
Problems? My mind is fucked?
DR. KHAN
I didn't imply that. Let me re-phrase that: depression is a common malaise in our modern era.
FELIPE
If you say so.
DR. KHAN
Did McManus force you to come here?
FELIPE
(sulking)
He suggested so.
DR. KHAN
Were you threatened to come here? Were any warnings bandied about?
FELIPE
No, just... I dunno...
DR. KHAN
Felipe, did anybody ordered you to come here?
FELIPE looks aimlessly around the room.
DR. KHAN
I'll be needing your answer in the form of words.
FELIPE
I thought I'd give it a shot.
DR. KHAN
Why?
FELIPE
Dunno, the other times...
DR. KHAN
Three.
FELIPE
(raising both eyebrows)
The other three times I've been here, I feel like I'm able to say stuff I usually don't say.
DR. KHAN
And do you feel better?
FELIPE
For a while, I guess, but it's still there. The problem is always there.
DR. KHAN
The problem?
FELIPE sighs and looks at the office again, his eyesight never meeting with DR. KHAN's. FELIPE moves a box of tissues, mumbling to himself in Spanish, moves around in the comfy chair and looks outside, at the tree and the sunny skies.
DR. KHAN
Felipe, are you okay?
FELIPE
Do you know The Twilight Sad, Doctor?
DR. KHAN
I'm afraid not.
FELIPE
It's a band from Glasgow. They are pretty good. Noisy too. I know it's gonna sound real weird right now, but I feel like one of their album covers.
DR. KHAN
Is it an ugly cover?
FELIPE
I sure wouldn't show it to my mother, Doc.
DR. KHAN
You feel like that cover, then?
FELIPE
Yeah, and no, I don't feel ugly nor think that my mother thinks I'm ugly.
DR. KHAN
Haven't implied that either.
FELIPE
Sorry, Doc, seems I'm the one doing all the implying here. Anyways, the album cover is a guy like this.
FELIPE covers his eyes with the palms of his hands.
DR. KHAN
You feel you don't want to see things?
FELIPE
Kinda, but the wicked thing is that there's a couple of holes in the hands of the guy from the cover, so he's able to see.
DR. KHAN
That's how you feel then?
FELIPE
Yes, as much as I want to ignore something, I know it's happening.
DR. KHAN
And what is happening that bothers you.
FELIPE
Happened.
FELIPE makes the newton's cradle go again.
FELIPE
Happened, but never confronted.
FADE TO BLACK.
SOUND F/X: The clicking of the balls in the Newton's cradle speed up, until it matches the sound of a clock ticking.
INT. Dark room. A light goes on and a plate of spring rolls is under the limelight. A hand puts a packet of sweet and sour sauce in the plate.
RALPH (O.S.)
Could I have two, please?
The hand puts another packet on the plate.
SOUND F/X: Busy restaurant.
INT. Chinese Restaurant. RALPH, dressed casually, is picking a bag of takeaway. He pays and smiles. He starts to walk out of the restaurant but notices the camera and smiles, breaking the fourth wall. The camera follows him outside.
EXT. Sunny day in an indistinct town. Streets seem sort of busy, as it is lunch hour. The camera moves with RALPH talking to it.
RALPH
Hey, how are you? Can I introduce myself? My name is Ralph and...well, I have a story to tell you.
RALPH winks and continues walking.
RALPH.
Chinese food used to be my favourite when I was a kid. It was a very special treat for me and my cousin Ciro. I know it sounds a bit naff, but back in the 80s, you know, it was a treat. Ciro lived with us because his parents were getting a nasty divorce.
SOUND F/X Couples fighting.
RALPH
Funny thing, divorce. When I was a kid, I had two main fears: one was my parents rowing and having a divorce due to irreconcilable differences, the other one was the Soviets dropping the bomb on us.
SOUND F/X: AK-47 shooting.
RALPH
Hey, I grew up watching American TV. I also would like to mention that the ending for A.L.F. traumatised me, but, surely, that's me avoiding the issue.
RALPH gets two rolls from the bag, offering one to the camera.
RALPH
No? I don't blame you.
RALPH puts one of the rolls back on the bag and bites the other one.
RALPH
They don't taste like they used. And no, I don't mean athe recipe changing, not at all. It’s the same joint I've haunted since I was a nipper and the sweet and sour and spring rolls are still the bee’s bollocks and the dog's knees.
RALPH stops chewing and looks at the spring roll, befuddled.
RALPH
It’s just that... it lost its sense of wonder.
The camera keeps looking at RALPH, but turns around him as he looks into a window from a shop.
RALPH
Once you acquire what you covet, it loses purpose. Goals. Why do we need those proverbial carrots in our life?
Photographs flash. A kid opening a toy. The toy broken. Graduation from high school. A stack of bills in the table. Graduation from University. A man looking at the job adverts. A girl smiling. A girl frowning.
RALPH
When I was in high school, I knew this girl, called Katia Miller. She and me, well, we went out together for years. Then we broke up. A natural thing, I guess. Everything has an expiration date.
RALPH finishes the spring roll and stops.
RALPH
Then I was single for a long while. Big, big while. 9 years. Yeah, you heard me. I tried and tried, but just couldn't get anyone.
RALPH continues to walk again.
RALPH
Then I met Nadia. It was weird. It was in a party I didn't want to be at, but still went.
The screen starts to defocus and stereotypical flashback music starts playing.
RALPH
No, no, I won't bore you with the details. All I will say is this. We clicked because she sat in a slice of cake. My slice of cake. You see, it was the birthday party for Hector, one of my best friends. There was this massive Black Forest gateau and we all had pieces. I placed mine on the table, turned around to prepare some drinks and when I return to my place, Nadia was sitting on the table, pretty cross.
RALPH smiles while opening the door to an old lady going into a shop.
RALPH
(still smiling and looking at the camera)
I was pretty nervous, as she seemed not very friendly. When I told her if she could move, she snapped at me, so I gently told her she was sitting on my cake. She was flummoxed, asked what? a few times in a tone of voice that could neuter a dog and I replied:
CUT TO EXT. Garden with tables, people and party music.
RALPH
(younger, long hair)
You're sitting in my cake
NADIA
(crossed)
You're not making sense, mister.
RALPH grabs a couple of napkins and takes his denim jacket off.
RALPH
Look, you need to stand up really quiet like, take these napkins and use my jacket like a kilt, as you've got an arse full of cake.
NADIA
(stuttering)
Oh, crumbs.
RALPH
More like Black Forest gateau with extra whipped cream, but let's not get lost in specifics. I'll help you out.
NADIA
(exasperated)
How could you possibly make this place ignore me, in my white dress, full of cheap cake on me bum?
RALPH
Easy.
RALPH takes off his clothes and starts streaking.
RALPH
(yelling)
Tom Baker is the only Doctor Who!
NADIA runs to get changed.
CUT TO EXT. Back to street. A car horn blares and RALPH staggers back.
RALPH
Whoa. For a minute there, I lost myself.
RALPH sighs.
RALPH
You know? I had a good time with Nadia, I really did. But, you know, it was like American chocolates.
RALPH looks again at the camera, slightly suspicious.
RALPH
Look, back in the 80s, having an American chocolate was like a sign of status. Nerds, Milky ways and Watchamacallits, man, you had street cred if you got some. But then the fucking free trade agreements come around and take away that magic. They were right about globalisation. It destroys dreams. Mine.
RALPH sighs and continues walking.
RALPH
Everything you covet as a kid, you get as an adult. Once you start earning some moolah, man, the magic is gone. The car? The girl? The big plasma TV? God damned worthless.
RALPH stops by a comic book shop, gets a bag, pays and gets out.
RALPH
Me? Besides Chinese Food and girls, well, it was Doctor Who. Yeah, cult TV. Boring old me. But my Doctor Who DVD is your sports car or a girl's baby or a guy's DVD collection. It's a goal we set ourselves for. But somehow, when we reach it, we feel empty. Why?
RALPH continues walking until he arrives to a council state. He beckons the camera to follow him.
INT. Council state, a little noisy. RALPH says hi to people he meets in the corridors until he reaches his apartment.
RALPH
I think the problem, and not only my problem, is that we set our hopes too high. We give too much power to a goal and only sign up for the destination, not the ride.
INT. RALPH's apartment. In disarray. Stereotypical Anorak apartment, with posters of cult TV, videogames, books, sci fi rags and the occasional pizza box. RALPH opens sloppily the shrink wrap of the DVD, sticks it into the player and clicks play. He fastforwards the show a bit.
RALPH
Look at this thing. I can remember few things about this particular romp by the curly headed Doctor and rewatching it, it's just not the same. I had good memories of watching it with cousin Ciro and my parents, but now...
RALPH looks back at the apartment, all messy and empty. There's a dead potted plant and a sink tap dripping.
RALPH
(sighing)
Oh, well. Back to business.
RALPH turns off the telly and sits in front of his laptop. He types frantically and after a few clicks of the mouse, he smiles.
RALPH
Ah, well, another day, another business opportunity. I heard some guys ransacked The Vault
from the nuns the other day. The Vault, if you are not in the loop, is where they put every single piece of confiscated toy, candy and magazine. It was the mother load. The stuff of dreams.
SOUND F/X: Cash register.
RALPH
Man, if I could get my hands on some of the stuff there. Sure, it’ll be a bunch of old toys, but in my trade, the Nostalgia trade, that’s King Solomon’s mines, you know?
RALPH picks up an old toy from a bookshelf and shows it to the camera.
RALPH
This. In it's original wrapping. Worth 1000 quid. Why? It's not as useful as a microwave or a kettle or a coffee maker, but what it is might be more useful on a spiritual level. It's a gateway. To a feeling. A feeling of worth. If you have in your hands in your mid thirties something you coveted massively when you were 8 or 9, then you finally feel like you accomplished something. You feel worthy. You might even feel magically transported to those simpler times and feel safe.
SOUND F/X: Doorbell.
RALPH opens the door, signs a couple of papers and gets a package. He opens the package and out comes a few cars and toys.
RALPH
We don't stop believing in Santa Claus because we know it's a fib. No. We stopped believing in him because it got replaced by Internet shops with home delivery. You can get anything.
The camera looks away, towards a wall. Hanging from the wall is a picture of RALPH and NADIA, kissing together in Hyde Park. Then the camera looks back at RALPH, with toys in his hand.
RALPH
Well, almost anything. Now, let's go watch the special features in the DVD, yeah? Can't wait to see the fanboys bitch about this one.
FADE TO BLACK.
SOUND F/X: Random Sci Fi Noises, which fade out and in fades the sound of a fish tank.
INT. Dark room. The only light comes from a fish tank.
SOUND F/X: Gasping.
MILLER (O.S.)
Jebus almighty.
INT. MILLER and JAY'S loft. Early morning, light creeping in. Their friend BEAVER is asleep in one of the sofas. MILLER looks tired and hungover. JAY is in the kitchen, making coffee.
JAY (O.S.)
Man, that was a good one.
MILLER
(slurring)
Bourbon, another reason to make fun of the colonies.
JAY (O.S.)
2 sugars?
MILLER
(disgusted)
Not today, good sir.
BEAVER snores.
MILLER
So, what happened to Charlie? We are missing one from the Magnificent Pack.
JAY comes in with three mugs of coffee and hands one to MILLER. JAY moves BEAVER and after getting no response, sits in another sofa.
JAY
He's probably with the bird he picked up at the club yesterday.
MILLER
Club (!).
JAY
We are in the PC era, compadre. Can't call it by its name.
MILLER
C'mon.
JAY
Chichichanga's, the ultimate lapdance club?
MILLER
Yeah, I don't think Bloke Entertainment Centre with Scantly Clad Women is the way to go.
BEAVER
(half-muttering)
Just call it brothel, that's what it is...
JAY looks at the aquarium then looks at MILLER. MILLER takes a good look at it, squinting its eyes.
MILLER
You gotta clean that thing, looks like a septic tank.
JAY
Aye.
MILLER
And maybe get a bigger one for that big fish floating around.
JAY
Yeah, about that...
The camera changes FOCUS towards the aquarium. There's a floating dead alien (stereotypical grey with big eyes) and the other fish in the aquarium are scared. A couple of bubbles from a sunken treasure figurine burst by.
MILLER
(non-chalant)
Hell of a lapdance club.
JAY
Yeah.
MILLER
So... what exactly did we do yesterday?
JAY squints his eyes and a series of vintage photographs pass by, showing gentlemen drinking Sherry and playing Croquet.
JAY
I think we did our usual classy stuff.
MILLER
(looking at the dead alien in the aquarium)
Of course (!)
BEAVER
God's sakes, keep it down.
MILLER
(sighs then dictates, rapidly)
We went with Bonnie to the cinema, then we had some sushi with mango sauce, then she left for her house, then Charlie came by with Beaver and they said they'd found a couple of free lap dance vouchers so we went to Chichichanga's to see a buncha babes dancing to Mötley Crüe. Then Jay impersonated a Franciscan priest and talked about baby formula with a hooker for the entire night. We saw Richard Dawkins hitting on a bald transvestite that had a puppet in his/her hand, I had a bottle of whiskey with Beaver and 3 or 4 lapdances and Charlie disappeared with two blondes, then we went for some tacos al pastor, broke a tire, changed it, got soaked by rain...
BEAVER
Which is weird, as it isn't rain season.
JAY
Then again, this is England...
MILLER
...then we drove back home and crashed down on these comfy sofas, then woke up and had some ruddy excellent coffee...
MILLER sips his mug, still looking directly at the aquarium.
JAY
And then we wake up to see him sleeping with the fishes.
MILLER
This is so Whitechapel.
BEAVER
(grumpy)
Can't a man get some rest? For the love of...
BEAVER goes quiet when he sees the dead alien in the aquarium.
BEAVER
Oh, my giddy aunt!
JAY
Curse like a bloke, Gingerballs.
BEAVER
The fuck's that?
MILLER
The last guy who didn't flush properly. Hope it's a good example for you.
JAY
Man, it's like being back in the barrio.
MILLER and BEAVER look suspiciously at JAY.
JAY
I mean, I saw my share of things back home. Why do you think I moved from Mexico to Ol' Blighty?
BEAVER
(to MILLER)
You do lock your door at night?
MILLER
From today onwards, I will.
JAY
Racists.
MILLER, BEAVER and JAY stare at the dead alien.
BEAVER
Fry up?
INT. Kitchen. The camera cuts rapidly through the stages of cooking. Frying eggs, butter melting and frying mushrooms, beans heating up in the microwave and the coffee machine beeping again.
JAY
So, a dead alien.
BEAVER
At least it ain't a bint.
MILLER
Manners...
BEAVER
I'm a bloke. I know not of said word.
JAY
I know a guy who could help us get rid of the body.
BEAVER and MILLER drop their forks.
JAY
Old habits. They die hard.
MILLER
(nervous)
Righty-o then. We gotta get him...
BEAVER
...or her...
MILLER
(annoyed)
...it out of the tank.
JAY
Let me get some newspapers and cardboard. Gotta think of the deposit, aye?
MILLER, JAY and BEAVER get the carcass of the alien and roll it in newspapers. BEAVER looks at some of the newspapers and starts to laugh.
BEAVER
(laughing)
Ah, we are rolling him with The Sun and the Torygraph!
JAY
I can't think of a better joke to make here.
MILLER gets some bin bags and they finish wrapping the alien.
JAY
Right, I'll start the motor. Bring some quid for the petrol, there's a bunch of good lads.
MILLER, JAY and BEAVER go down the stairs. They pass by RALPH, who is carrying around a box filled with collectibles and vinyl records and just nods at them. MILLER opens the boot of his old Morris Marina and the three of them get into the car.
FADE OUT.
INT. Dark room. The light switches on and we see a lone watercooler. Some bubbles float in it.
SETH (O.S.)
(Sheffield accent)
Mate, you gotta go out with me and Felipe, it was mental yesterday.
GAZ (O.S.)
(Mancunian accent)
Yeah, but if he tries again to say madferit or custard with that mock accent he got from Life on Mars, I'm doing a runner.
SETH
Hey, there he comes.
FELIPE
Hey!
INT. Grey office corridor. SETH and GAZ, FELIPE's co-workers, are by the water cooler, gossiping.
GAZ
Alright, Felipe?
FELIPE
Yeah, yeah, had a talk with the company's shrink.
SETH mocks FELIPE as being crazy.
FELIPE
Yeah, but not as much as you mum is for me.
SETH
You'd wish, beaner.
GAZ
Oh, man, keep it down, you'll get the riot act again?
SETH
It's all in good fight, right, Speedy?
FELIPE
Sure, Limey.
SETH
See? Stop hanging with vegan socialists, Gaz.
GAZ
They are the best shags.
A woman passes by them. She gives GAZ a friendly look. GAZ winks.
SETH
You lascivious ladykiller. You taking me pal's Latin Lover mantle?
GAZ
He ever had it?
FELIPE
I'm here, yes?
GAZ
But I'm not, gotta go back.
SETH
Uh?
GAZ
McManus messed up and who has to pay the piper? Muggins here. See you later chaps. Mine's a pint of the dark stuff.
SETH
Marmite?
GAZ
You're a riot, Seth. See you later, amigo.
FELIPE
Take care, Gaz.
GAZ exits. SETH nods FELIPE to go into the office's KITCHEN. There, SETH starts the kettle, gets a couple of bags from a tin and chucks them into mugs. SETH gives FELIPE a mug and gets a pint of milk from the freezer, offering some to FELIPE. FELIPE nods no.
SETH
You gotta blend in, mate.
FELIPE
Milk in tea. No wonder you lot lost your empire.
SETH
No milk in tea. No wonder you lot lost half of your country to the gringos.
FELIPE
We'll get it back. We've already repopulated California and Texas.
SETH
Yeah, as those are the priorities (!) Get Arizona back and then you'll get a gold star, mate.
FELIPE
We're biding our time. You'll see. And after that, we'll find a way to swim here and take your jellied eel pies too.
SETH
(mocks London accent)
Oh, Jenkins, I believe those dark-skinned chaps are after our buttered scones.
FELIPE
(mock London accent)
Oh, heavens, correct me if I'm wrong but the wetbacks are wetter!
SETH
(disapproving look)
Kinda getting there.
FELIPE
Not good?
SETH
You sounded as realistic as David Tennant and his RP accent in Dr. Who.
FELIPE
Rubbish.
SETH opens another drawer and gets a packet of biscuits.
SETH
Jaffa cake?
FELIPE
Cake or biscuit?
SETH
We'll discuss it later. Now, we gotta stop slacking off or McManus will be in another one of his moods.
FELIPE
Who took the jelly out of his toast?
SETH
Love a duck, mate. But I know who just ate his last two Jaffa cakes.
FELIPE
And on that bombshell...
SETH
Yeah, scamper off. Pub tonight?
FELIPE
Yeah, might need some action.
SETH
(imitates LIAM GALLAGHER)
I was looking for some action, but all I got was cigarettes and alcohol.
As SETH leaves the kitchen, FELIPE opens the freezer and adds some milk to his mug. He tastes the tea with milk and makes a mildly approving face, maybe gurning a bit. He also leaves the kitchen and the CAMERA moves into the dripping tap. It zooms into the unwashed dishes.
FADE TO BLACK.
SOUND F/X: Dripping sound.
FADE IN.
EXT. An indistinct marsh. JAY, BEAVER and MILLER are looking at the water. JAY makes the sign of the cross.
JAY
I told you this was a good place.
BEAVER
I wonder how you know of this type of places, Jay. Like that time you helped me get that Tool bootleg in vinyl.
JAY
Like is said, it's barrio “know-how”, brother.
MILLER
The Home Office didn't do a good job when they gave you a working visa, now did they?
JAY
I never lied, I just said I had humble origins. And before you continue thinking I'm some sort of deadly Fixer, I know of this place because of that episode of Eastenders when some villain drowns in one of this type of bogs.
BEAVER
Never pinned you down as a fan of kitchen sink dramas, mate.
JAY
I think there's more pressing issues at the moment.
MILLER
Like?
JAY
Well, kidda, for starters: Who was he? What killed him? And more important: is the scratching sensation a consequence of having too much salsa habanera on our tacos last night or did the alien go all probe-happy on them?
MILLER and BEAVER scratch their bums.
MILLER
Questions best left alone. Should we say a prayer?
BEAVER
I dunno, maybe he was an agnostic alien, he could be offended
JAY
Look, gueyes, I'm an official clergy impersonator, and I think, I just think, that it's not the fact that the existence of a superior being is debated by many a person who've read al pendejo of Richard Dawkins, but what really matters is that this, this was an intelligent life form and now, it has departed the mortal coil and we should give it a small prayer.
JAY, BEAVER and MILLER all bow their heads down and look solemn for a few seconds.
BEAVER
How can it be intelligent if it drowned in the fish tank?
JAY
Compañeros, give him...
BEAVER
...or her...
JAY
(exasperated)
Give it a proper moment of silence, please.
All goes silent.
MILLER
You know, maybe he is not an alien, but an angel.
BEAVER
Oh, yeah. Maybe she had proof that God DOES exist, then Richard Dawkins caught a whiff of this and killed it and dumped the body in our apartment. He thought that Jay
was a real clergy man and wanted to say that the Church wants to kill angels and maintain the monopoly on the idea of God.
JAY
Why would Richard Dawkins do such thing? He doesn't know where we live?
BEAVER
He was in the strip club yesterday, dontcha remember?
JAY
Ah yes. Richard Dawkins french kissing a bald transvestite that had a puppet in his/her hand. Chichichanga's is a very strange strip club.
MILLER
Petition to never go back to the place?
JAY
Signed.
BEAVER
Signed.
BEAVER looks puzzled for a moment, then rustles through his pockets.
BEAVER
Although I got some coupons for a free round of drinks.
MILLER
Does it specify which type of alcohol?
BEAVER
Plonk and bubbly excluded. Everything else's fair game. It'll probably be lager.
MILLER
(shrugging)
In for a pound...
JAY
Not today, we still have to make it to Bonnie's dinner party.
MILLER
Do we really need to go to that dross or will you take one for the team?
JAY
C'mon, you owe me.
BEAVER
I don't.
MILLER
Me neither.
JAY
We could hang for a while and then excuse ourselves. I'll be the designated driver, fellas.
BEAVER and MILLER nod and the three leave the marsh.
SOUND F/X: Ominous beeping is heard, slightly muffled.
INT. MILLER's car.
SOUND F/X: ROCK MUSIC.
MILLER
What's this dinner thing then?
JAY
Bonnie's mum is doing some stuff for her canasta playing friends.
BEAVER
The fuck's that?
JAY
(mispronounces Rummy due to his latin accent)
Some sort of Rummy.
BEAVER
Roomie?
JAY
Rummy, the card game.
BEAVER
Oh, Rummy.
JAY
Yeah, that.
MILLER
Mate, ask him to say division.
JAY
You are a riot, mate (!)
BEAVER
C'mon...
JAY
(angry)
Dibision.
BEAVER and MILLER laugh.
MILLER
Say magazine.
JAY
Magascene...Magaseen...Ah, sod it, par de pendejitos.
BEAVER
Keep it in the language of the Bard, love.
JAY
Cerote mal defecado.
MILLER
Come again?
JAY
It means badly excreted plopper. That's what you both are. You are useless even as pieces of shit.
SOUND F/X: Car horn.
JAY swerves.
MILLER
Holy shit!
BEAVER
Can you drive, Roudriguez?
JAY
It's Rodriguez and yeah, I can drive. Now, we gotta stop at the bus, erm, alcohol shop. Can't arrive there with nothing in our hands. Anything from the shop?
BEAVER
Bourbon.
MILLER
Make it a double.
JAY leaves the car.
BEAVER
He's more calm.
MILLER
Yeah, he had a bad time.
BEAVER
Is it because he's so far from home?
MILLER
It's understandable. His two other Mexican friends haven't helped out that much.
BEAVER
Where are they living right now?
MILLER
One's in Sheffield, the other one living in Nottingham. From what I've heard, both are loonies. Jay's the normal one.
BEAVER
God...the North, ugh. So, The Three Caballeros, eh?
MILLER
I guess. The guy in Sheffield's okay, he works in some company doing Jebus knows what. The one in Nottingham's doing a PhD.
BEAVER
Jay's lucky having you as a flatmate.
MILLER
Yeah, and his job's getting good. He saved enough for a tablet the other day. No excuses for designs' taking long.
BEAVER
He's Mexican, he has an excuse for everything.
MILLER
Yeah, I've been learning a few ones.
BEAVER
Good man. Salt of the Earth, too bad he looks like a ...
JAY
(entering the car)
What are you two waffling about?
MILLER
(nonchalantly)
Who has the most fake looking teeth: Billie Piper or Richard Hammond.
BEAVER
Oh, the teeth is not the only thing she's faking.
JAY
Yeah, but Hammond's tit look faker than Piper's.
MILLER
Teeth, right?
JAY
Yeah. (whispering) Pendejo.
MILLER
Come again?
JAY
Knob?
BEAVER
Now you blending in!
JAY
Cool. Will I get a citizenship if I keep insulting you both? I know some rhyming slang too.
MILLER
Let's go before you start doing a mariachi version of the Lambeth Walk, mate.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. Dark Room. A single light is focused in BONNIE, JAY's girlfriend. She's crossed.
BEAVER (O.S.)
She's mental!
MILLER (O.S.)
Glad I'm not Jay...
INT. Posh dinning room. MILLER, JAY and BEAVER are not dressed properly.
MILLER
(whispering to BEAVER)
Thank Jebus I didn't put on a shellsuit.
BEAVER
(whispering back to MILLER)
Admit it, you are a Ned in disguise.
MILLER
(whispering to BEAVER)
Why do I feel like Jimmy Saville in Milano?
BONNIE puts her index finger in her mouth and gives them both a stare. Her mum is giving a speech and once she finishes, everyone claps. A quick montage of the dinner party passes by and after a while, BONNIE and JAY excuse themselves.
EXT. Garden. Night time. BONNIE and JAY, by a VERANDA, drinking.
BONNIE
I really hope you have a good excuse.
JAY
(putting his arm over her)
Well, it all started today in the morning...
BONNIE
Are you going to blame Beaver and Miller? Or my brother Charlie?
JAY
I'd never!
BONNIE
You blamed them the last two times you were late to see me.
JAY
Actually, the first time I was late for a date with you, I blamed that gigantic hedgehog that kept calling me Dinsdale.
BONNIE raises an eyebrow.
JAY
Right, look, I gotta be honest with you, I do owe you an apology. And not only because I was late and badly dressed and smelling like a swamp. There's something else.
BONNIE sighs.
JAY
I'm really sorry, baby.
BONNIE
(half-smiling)
It's fine. You can't help it.
JAY
I really am sorry. Look, we went to a nudie club yesterday with Charlie, I wasn't unfaithful or anything, you know I love you.
BONNIE
I believe you. Charlie kept an eye on you.
JAY
Yeah, and the other on a pair of blonde bimbos.
BONNIE
Look, just stop being late...
JAY
I'm really sorry, mi reina, I really am. I'm so sorry.
BONNIE
Uh?
JAY
Do you believe what I told about what happened today?
BONNIE
A dead alien and a marsh? Sure, it's more believable than the giant hedgehog (!)
JAY
I swear in my mother's honour that's what happened. But that's not what I'm really afraid to tell you.
BONNIE
What is it, then?
JAY
The alien ate Robbie.
BONNIE
Say what?
JAY
The alien ate Robbie. He choked on it, that's what killed him. I saw him in the early morning hours do it. I was terrified of him. I couldn't do anything. He used his magic mental powers or alguna mamada asi. It was his horrific gaze, like a basilisk or summink.
BONNIE
(pondering)
Who's Robbie?
JAY
Your favourite fish, the gold fish you gave me a while ago!
BONNIE sighs and hugs JAY, kissing his cheek. JAY looks befuddled.
BONNIE
Jay, we talked about this.
JAY looks confused.
BONNIE
That one died right away, Jay. You didn't take care of it properly!
JAY
(scared)
No, the alien killed it. I swear. I saw it.
BONNIE
(concerned)
Jay?
JAY
Of course I cared for the fella.
JAY turns around and sees BEAVER and MILLER join them.
JAY
He was there yesterday, right, you guys? I loved the little fella, I always fed him on time and changed the water. Got him the dude with the treasure chest that releases bubbles. It was all for Robbie. You saw him, right, guys?
BEAVER and MILLER look as concerned as BONNIE.
JAY
Guys?
JAY puts his drink away.
JAY
You saw Robbie, didn't you? He was alive yesterday, right?
Everyone goes silent.
SOUND F/X (distant) Police squad car' siren.
FADE TO BLACK
SOUND F/X Police radio. Talk of an accident near Hackney.
DET. CARTER (V.O.)
Dispatch, this is DC. Carter, I'm on it. Heard anything about Maynard?
FADE IN. EXT. A city street. D.C. Carter is parking his car, waiting for reply from the radio.
DISPATCH
No, we can't get in touch with him.
DET. CARTER
Bloody amateur.
DISPATCH
We'll send a PC to his home and see if he's okay.
DET. CARTER
10-4. Thanks.
Carter walks out of the car and sees two policemen at the scene of the accident.
OFFICER WALTERS
D.C. Carter, glad to see you. Wish the circumstances were better.
DET. CARTER
Thanks.
OFFICER WALTERS
Where's your partner?
DET. CARTER
Damned if I know. Last time I saw him he was going over that report of three blokes breaking into old man Johnson's property a fortnight ago.
OFFICER WALTERS
He is a bit of a nutter, Johnson.
DET. CARTER
We'll cross that river when we have to. What's the situation here?
OFFICER WALTERS
Traffic collision. One deceased.
DET. CARTER
I see
Det. Carter sees the scene of the accident, tuts for a moment and lets an exasperated sigh come out. Officer Walters hands him a wallet.
DET. CARTER
Oh dear God.
END OF PART ONE.
Samuel Valdes Lopez