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I am the vixen of valium,

the goddess of gastrointestinal difficulties,

caused by vomiting the epithalamium

nonsense of you world of masculinities.

Look at me!

over here Mr Cameraman, look at me still,

even though I would happily

kill

you and your windmill

of fortunes, beauty and she-(over there)

She, who always looks better, body bound in a sweater-

‘take away the sweater and what do you get?’ -

-regret

Regret for all that you gave me;

laid me, paid me, strayed me,

I’m left spinning, I should have spat you out on the wall-

(you may leave your mark here on this scrawl)

And meanwhile she climbs all the way to the top

of the magazine rack in the local

drugstore, the only place we are top-

less, and you are very vocal.

MOGULS,

SCUMBAGS,

look at these:

check them out, photograph them.

in exchange I will happily swallow you fleas,

sleaze, mayhem.

Don’t look at her, ignore the lump in her breast,

I still need to look my best:

they may be ill

but I’ll still

be going to this party…

…where am I going? I hate it

when my mind

begins to wonder away from me

That’s when I realise

what you did and are doing to me, and my kind-

(I painted it for you

and I thought I was ok with that:

your hands over me as if I were a canvas

I also thought I was ok with that:

when I played their game and your game,

changed my hair, nose, name—

                                                                         they taught me how to hate myself and

I thought I was now good and      that they

would be ok with that

version of myself

but it’s never enough

and I fell into the unfortunate delusion

that I was now able to be desirable in this world,

your world—

my head hammers against the wall of it)

I’ll never get

it

but I don’t care what happens to me

whether it be cancer or a zit

—it’s the emotions I can’t stand

(—darling, my sedative, it’s time—)

all I can say, whatever opinion of me you hold,

just take one hard look at the picture

of my cunt in the

centre-

fold,

before you make any lasting judgements on me.

Pam Riley