Drama

What Would Da Vinci Do?

What would da Vinci do? started out as a script for a student TV soap opera commissioned by a friend at a house party.  It rapidly developed into a sitcom.  Part of the party became a major brainstorming session, with friends contributing their odd experiences and stories about being a student.  I hope this script, written as a pilot episode, captures some of that strange, surreal and above all, endearing world.  A big thank you to everyone who contributed their insights and inspiration.

N.B.  During this episode, TED is always seen either eating or carrying a packet of fruit pastels.  SAM is wearing a dressing gown and slippers (over whatever else he’s wearing) when inside the house.  There should be a copy of Hamlet visible in as many scenes with SAM as possible.  Any Hamlet-themed objects inserted in the scenes would be great.  Not too obvious, just little things.

Characters

SAM

TED

AMY

WENDY

DR WORDSWORTH

FRED

ANGELA

BELLA

SOPHIE

SMITH

6 SMITHETTES

1

Close up on figure lying on the ground under a shroud in a spotlight.  Sombre music.  Sound of passing sirens.  Distant murmur of voices.  Figure slowly raises a hand and draws the shroud away from its face.  SAM slowly sits up as the shroud falls away.  He is drowsy and bewildered, but not unduly troubled by this (it is a frequent occurrence).  A note is sellotaped to his chest with the words “CALL ME, Cedric” scrawled in marker pen with a phone number underneath.  SAM rubs his head, begins to take stock of his surroundings.  He notices the note, pulls it off, reads it, frowns and puts it to one side.  He begins to get up, realises he’s only wearing underpants under the shroud and gathers the sheet around him, looking around a bit more attentively, now.

AMY (offscreen): The dead are walking, then?

SAM:  Er… yes.

Camera reveals AMY standing over him, dressed in black, holding a human skull in one hand.  Her face is in shadow.

AMY: Fancy a cuppa?

SAM: Er… no.  Um… where?

AMY: The Drama Studio.

SAM: When?

AMY: About 10 a.m.

SAM: Thank you.  (Thinks for a moment.  Remembers timetable.  Checks a watch that isn‘t there).  Oh, crap.  Crap, crap, crap.  (Stumbles off camera.  Stumbles back.)  Which way…?

AMY points.

SAM: Thanks.  (Stumbles off, stumbles back.)  Sorry, what was your name?

AMY: I didn’t say.

SAM: Right, great. (Stumbles off again.)

AMY: It’s Amy.

He makes a run for it, still holding the shroud in place.  AMY watches him go.

AMY (unworried): Morgan!  The corpse is making a run for it.

2

TED:  Whoa, are you back already?

SAM (sweeping past him):  Haven’t gone out yet.

TED: Ah…

SAM stumbles up the stairs.

TED: It’s 10.30 you know!

SAM: I know!

TED: How was Embrace?

SAM: Awful!

TED (mutters): Yeah, I thought it might be.  (To SAM)  Some guy called Cedric called.  He said you owe him fellatio and wanted to know if you’d seen his car keys.

SAM: (swears)

TED: Well, I’m off now.  Catch you later man.

SAM: Ted, why is there a bag full of fruit pastels hidden under the cistern?

TED:  Ah, that’s good stuff, that.  That’s my stash.

SAM: Your stash?

TED: You can get a real high on the purple ones. 

SAM: Ted, they’re fruit pastels. 

TED: Whatever, man.  Broaden your mind.  Not your anus (he winks and leaves).

EXIT TED.  SAM left standing with bag of fruit pastels.  The phone rings.  SAM eyes it dubiously.  It keeps ringing.  He answers.  Pause.

SAM: Car keys?  I mean, carra keesy?  Non parlo anglez.  Sorry.

Puts phone down.  It begins to ring again.  He ignores it..  He scratches his head and, struck by a sudden thought, goes and opens the front door.  There’s a car parked outside wreathed in various bits of paper and whipped cream.  SAM regards it blankly for a few moments, then picks up the newspaper and closes the door.

EXIT SAM

3

SAM is at his workspace, looking at face book.  A professor walks past and he quickly clicks up another screen, shuffles his papers and looks busy, then covertly glances around and continues checking out the profile of a hot classmate.  He doesn’t notice DR WORDSWORTH enter and stand behind him, reading over his shoulder.

WORDS: That’s a rather interesting take on fifteenth century manuscript culture, Sam.

Sam spins around, knocking papers on the floor, trying to pull up another window, come up with an excuse and grab a folio all at the same time.  WORDSWORTH is unmoved.

SAM: Faceb…? I was just… looking up… Yes it is a rather interesting take, isn’t it?  I was just thinking about the impact of instant global communication on the insemination, I mean dissemination, of print culture in the twenty-first century and how this parallels the unpublished manuscript dissemination popular in Early Modern and Restoration coteries, much as Burrows discusses in his paper on alterity.

WORDS: (not buying it, but playing along with a straight face)  Really?  And why Facebook in particular?  Is it the emphasis on individual authorship, the small groupings of social networking or the locality of manuscript distribution?

SAM:  Yes.  I mean, both.  All three, really.

WORDS: I see.  Well, I shall be interested to read your take on alterities in manuscript distribution.  Try reading ‘Printing the Press’ by M.Y. Craft.

SAM: I will.  Thank you.

WORDS: And bring your thoughts to my office hour on Monday.

SAM: (gulps)

EXIT WORDSWORTH.

SAM reshuffles his desk.  Attempts to read a book.  It’s upside down.  And it’s not in English.  Checks the time.  Looks around to check no one is looking.  Goes back onto Facebook.

4

SAM’s house.  Sounds of argument.  Several large suitcases piled to one side.  ENTER SAM through front door.

ENTER WENDY, crying.

WEN: I can’t stand it anymore, Sam!

SAM (bewildered): Wait, Wen...

ENTER TED, following WENDY.

TED: Wendy, come on now.

WEN (shouting): All hours!  He’s up at all hours!  And the music!  Piano concertos at 2 a.m.  Trumpet fanfares in the morning.  The man is sick.  It’s driving me mad!  I can’t sleep!  Do you understand?!  I haven’t slept for three days!  Three days!

SAM: Alright, alright.  Just what -

WEN:  No.  No, I’m not taking any more of your excuses.  Either he goes or I go.

SAM and TED exchange a glance.

SAM: Well, the thing is, Wen, he’s paid up for the whole year and you’re two months behind on the rent.

TED: And the biscuits.  You ate the -

SAM gives him a look and he holds his peace.

WEN: So it’s like that, is it?

SAM shrugs helplessly.  WENDY begins to work herself into a rage.

WEN: You’d rather have some kind of freak who locks himself in his room and never sees the light of day?  Have you even ever seen his face?  He could be dead and we’d never even notice!  He doesn’t even cook.  He doesn’t even eat.

SAM: Well, if he were dead, he wouldn’t be playing the piano.

TED: That’s right.

WEN: The man needs help.  In depth, psychological help!  What kind of maniac plays a trumpet at 6 a.m.?  And the sounds I hear coming out of that room.  It sounds like he’s killing a cat up there.

SAM & TED: …

WEN: What?

SAM: Well…

TED: We think…

SAM: We think probably.

TED: We think probably he’s a man.

WEN:  You mean, you don’t know?

SAM: Well, you know.  These days it’s all equal anyway, right?

TED: Yeah, emancipation and all that.

WEN: You don’t even know who’s living in your house?  My God, he… she… it… whatever, could be a criminal hiding out!  Or an axe murderer!  Or some kind of bizarre patient like the elephant man!  Doesn’t this even worry you?

SAM: Well…

TED: … he pays most of the heating and electricity on this building.

SAM: Or she.

TED (agrees): Or she.

SAM: Or it.

TED: Oh yes.  Or it.

WENDY stares at them both in disbelief.

WEN: You’re both completely insane.  Well, if you want to live with a mad, cat-strangling piano player, that’s fine, but I’m out of here.

WENDY grabs a large suitcase and begins dragging it to the door.

TED: Actually, he-she-it is a medical student. 

WEN: Well, great.  That’s okay then.  So was fucking Frankenstein!  And look what happened to his housemates.

SAM wakes up to the fact WENDY is actually seriously leaving.

SAM: Come on, Wen, you can’t be serious. 

WEN (still moving suitcases): Oh, I am.

SAM (with TED encouraging him): But there’s only a few more weeks left to the vacation.  It makes no sense to leave now.  I know Mr -

TED: Ms.

SAM: Smith is a bit strange, but I’m sure he -

TED: Or she…

SAM: (to TED) Shut up!  You’re not helping.

TED (raises arms in the air): Well, sorry.

TED pulls out a tube of fruit pastels and starts eating all the purple ones, with an ecstatic expression.  SAM eyes him dubiously for a moment, then turns back to WENDY.

SAM: Wen, come on, please.  Haven’t you enjoyed living with us.  Even a little bit?  We’re your friends.

WEN: You leave the washing up, you tread mud into the carpet, you vomited into the pot plant and pretended your two year old cousin had done it.

SAM: That was just a one-off…

WEN: You ‘accidently’ spray painted ‘SUK MY CUNT’ on my bed sheets while they were drying; you mistook Tim for some girl you had a one-night stand with; you fed my hampster vodka because you said you thought he ‘looked a bit down’.

SAM: Well, yes, that was unfortunate…

WEN: He died!  Yorrick died and you replaced him with another hampster and it wasn’t even the same colour!

TED: That’s discrimination, Wendy.

WEN: Shut up!  And you.  You keep putting Smarties in my slippers! 

TED: No.  No.  I quit.  I’ve been off them for weeks.  I’m clean.  I swear.

WEN: You are both complete freaks!  I won’t spend another minute in the same house as you.  Good bye!

EXIT WENDY.

SAM & TED: …

TED: I quit.  I told you I quit, right?

SAM: Do you think she’s coming back?

TED: I think… not…

SAM: (groans) What are we going to do?  The phone bill just came through today.

TED: And Wendy’s on it.  Think we’re going to be able to get her to pay that?

SAM groans again, slumps at table eying pile of bills.

TED makes them both cups of tea, then sits.  They both eye the bills despondently.

SAM (rallies):  We’re going to have to audition.

TED: Audition?

SAM: For a new housemate.  Or two.  That room up near the attic is still empty. 

TED: Yes, but that’s next to the Smith’s room.

SAM: The Smith won’t mind.

TED: No, but whoever takes it might.

SAM: Do you have any better ideas?

TED (thinks): Male prostitution.

SAM: Vetoed.

TED: Sex chat line?  They’re pretty popular.

SAM: Yes, I’ve seen your phone bill.

TED: What?

SAM: Vetoed. 

TED: Well, the truth is…

SAM: Yes?

TED: I’ve been using the spare room to grow weed.

SAM: Ted, that’s extremely illegal… and might just make us a decent amount of money.  Well done!  Let’s see.

TED (modestly): Well, it’s still just in the early stages.

TED produces a small pot from the next room.  He hands it to SAM, who examines it.

TED: See?

SAM: Ted…

TED: Yes?

SAM: This is… a dandelion.

TED: Good, isn’t it?  You want a smoke?  It’s bliss, man.

SAM: Okay.  Back to Plan A.

TED: We had a Plan A?

SAM: The audition.

A complex piano piece starts up in the background.  SAM and TED look up.

TED: Sounds like the Smith is still alive.  When did you last see him?

SAM: Wednesday night.  It was about 1 a.m.  I came down to the kitchen and heard footsteps.  Saw his -

TED: Or her -

SAM: - shadow retreating up the stairwell.

TED: Very spooky.  I heard the Smith trip up on the stairs.  Think it’s all okay up there?

SAM: What, in the room, or in insert-pronoun-here’s head?

TED: Both.

SAM: I imagine neither is very sound.

TED: Should we check on him?

SAM & TED: …

SAM: I heard whimpering up there, once.

TED:… something heavy being dragged up the stairs…

SAM & TED: …

SAM: I’m sure the Smith is fine.  It’s these bills we’ve got to worry about.  No flatmate, no internet, phone line or water.

TED: Where are you going to advertise?

SAM: Student Union.  That notice board thing where they’re always sticking  up piano lessons and language classes.

TED: Hey - do you think la Smith is a piano tutor?

SAM: No pupils.

TED (mutters): Maybe it ate them.

SAM: I heard that.

EXIT TED.

SAM shuffles bills, sighs.

EXIT SAM.  Piano music continues and fades out.

5

SAM sitting in the Arts Tower café with his head in his hands, staring despondently at a pair of messy cheese sandwiches in opened tinfoil wrapping.

ENTER AMY carrying rucksack containing skull.

AMY: Bills day?

She seats herself opposite SAM.

SAM: Who are you?

AMY calmly takes skull out of rucksack and places it on table.  SAM looks from the skull to her.

SAM: I thought you came with taxes.

AMY: This is my day off.

SAM: Oh.  Glad to hear it.

AMY: Have you considered male prostitut-

SAM: Vetoed!

AMY: Why? You’re out every night anyway.

SAM: That’s a slanderous lie and not at all the same thing.

AMY (smiles): So, who’s Cedric?

SAM (slowly, sarcastically, glaring): Cedric is a character in Harry Potter.  He was killed by Lord Voldemort.

AMY (still smiling): And his number is 07789127827?

SAM: How did you-?  What are you even doing here?  Who are you?

AMY: Photographic memory.  I’m bored and you look interesting.  And I think we’ve already established my identity (she taps the skull, meaningfully).

SAM: You’re not.

AMY: How do you know?

SAM: You’re not!  You don’t have enough… presence.  Or a cape or a scythe or any of the standard paraphernalia.

AMY: What am I, a superhero?  Anyway, I’m incognito.  Need to know only.  Tell me your troubles, Mr Walking Corpse Man.

SAM (sulkily): My housemate walked out.

AMY (with sarcasm): I wonder why.

SAM: You can talk.  What do your housemates make of Yorrick, there? (indicates skull)

AMY: Her name is Doris.  She was a flower seller in Chelsea.  You can tell by the more delicate structure of the mandible.  And my housemates love me.  I bake.

SAM (with sarcasm): Oh, well then, that’s okay.  What do you bake?  Death by chocolate? Angels on horseback? Devilled eggs?

AMY: Tiffin.

SAM: Tiffin isn’t even baked!  It’s a fridge cake.

AMY: Pedant.

SAM: Necrophiliac.

AMY: Gigolo.

SAM: Why are you even here?  Fuck off!

AMY: You’re almost hot when you’re angry.

SAM: Almost?!

AMY: Well, so long.  Good luck with your housing problem.

EXIT AMY, nonchalantly.  SAM is left baffled and fuming.

SAM (gestures at her retreating back): Yah!  And good riddance.

The other people in the café turn and stare at him, while EXITING AMY ignores him entirely.  Embarrassed, SAM gets up and leaves.

6

The living room of the house.  TED is sitting on the sofa, fiddling with a pencil and notepad.  ENTER SAM.

SAM: We all set?

TED: Good to go.

SAM (perfunctory, rather than out of curiosity): Le Smith?

TED brandishes a piece of paper.  SAM takes it and reads.

SAM: Desole?

TED shrugs.

SAM: … busy… ‘braising’?  Barkso?”  What is this?

TED: Don’t know.  Can’t read his handwriting.  I think it’s an apology, though.  It’s an apologetic hand.

SAM: It’s not a hand at all.  It’s a squiggle and (he turns the paper 90 degrees) is that a hieroglyphic?

TED: Search me.

The doorbell rings.  TED sits to attention. 

SAM: Well, here’s candidate number one.

SAM goes to answer door.

ENTER SAM and FRED.

FRED: Hey.

SAM: I’m Sam and this is Ted.  Would you like some tea?

FRED: Ta, thanks.

SAM goes to make a cup of tea.

TED: So, what are you studying… Fredrigo, was it?

FRED: Yup.  I’m doing marine biology.

TED: Like fish and undersea diving?

FRED: Well, more ecology.

TED: You must get some great field trips out of that one.

FRED (expression goes blank, begins to shiver): No, really no.  No.  This one time.  It was on some island out in the Pacific.

TED: Oh, that’s nice-

FRED (now lost in traumatic flashback): They left us in the jungle.  It was days.  Days of walking.  And the ants.  They were this big.  Got everywhere.  In your hair, the sleeping bag, down your pants. 

TED winces.

FRED: They sting.  They sting.  All night.  The heat of the jungle.  Beating like drums.  On the fourth day, we came to a river and there, there.  A big.  The tendrils.  So beautiful, yet so… (he holds out his shaking hands in awe and terror to an unseen creature).

ENTER SAM.

SAM (cheerfully): There we go now.  Nice cup of tea.

TED (worriedly): Sam…

FRED: No!  No!  Keep it away from me!  Keep it away!  They burn!  Aaaaahh!

FRED grabs a nearby kitchen knife and begins attacking the air.

TED & SAM: …

FRED: No, no, noooo!

TED and SAM edge away, tea in hand, grasping each other by the elbow.

FRED (suddenly blinks and continues from previously) … more ecology really.  I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

Without taking his eyes off their guest, SAM smashes the fire alarm at his elbow with said elbow.  The alarm goes off.  They all look up.  FRED flinches.

SAM: Sorry!  Looks like we’ll have to evacuate.

SAM and TED hustle FRED out onto the lawn.

7

Same characters as 6, on the lawn or in the street. 

ENTER ANGELA and BELLA

SAM: I’m so sorry, Fred.  It looks like we’ll have to continue this some other time.

FRED: Oh, I don’t mind, I can wait.

TED (quickly): Oh, it sometimes goes on for ages.  We can’t go back inside until the fire brigade have checked the place over.

FRED: Well, but it’s just a drill…

SAM: No, no.  Safety first.  We are a very safety conscious house.

TED nods firmly.

FRED: Well then.

ANGELA: Sam Shik?

SAM: That’s me.  No, er… I mean, er… what did he do?

ANGELA: I’m Angela Shaw.  I called you about the house?

FRED: I’ll be going then.  See ya!

EXIT FRED

SAM: That’s right.  I’m afraid we’re in the middle of a fire alarm at the moment.

ANGELA: … oh.

TED: But if you wait a little bit I’m sure we’ll be back in in no time.

ANGELA: Okay then.  I remember you said  it was a large room, so I’ve brought my friend Bella along.  We don’t mind sharing, if there’s a big enough bed.

BELLA puts her arm around ANGELA‘s waist.  They turn and smile at each other.  TED nudges SAM.  SAM ignores him.

SAM: Nice to meet you.  We’re just waiting for…

The door of the house opens.  All four characters turn and stare.  TED and SAM in horrified fascination.  TED spills his tea on the ground, unnoticed.

ENTER SMITH from house, wearing a hooded bathrobe (hood pulled down low, concealing face - ideally a balaclava under the hood), slippers and latex gloves, carrying a life-sized articulated human skeleton suspended from one gloved hand.  SMITH shuffles slowly toward TED, SAM, ANGELA and BELLA.  SMITH nods to his housemates (small movement of hood) and wordlessly extends a gloved hand to BELLA.

BELLA: Um… (she laughs nervously) … nice to meet you…?

TED (provides name in a shrill tenor): Smith.

SAM elbows TED.  Both are now standing with their backs to the front door, while ANGELA and BELLA are facing toward it.

TED (repeats in an exaggeratedly deep voice): Smith.

The alarm is silenced.  ENTER SMITHETTE #1 from front door, also wearing hooded bathrobe or some variety of odd and face-covering water-related clothing.  Masks and shorts or snorkels are acceptable.  SMITHETTE #1 is followed by SMITHETTEs #2 to #6 in single file.   

ANGELA: (extends her hand in turn) Mr Smi- (she trails off, looking at the silent SMITHETTES behind SAM and TED).

SAM and TED turn.  They watch the SMITHETTES stand around a bit and drift toward SMITH, who stands nonchalantly.  One of the SMITHETTES is carrying a condom filled with water.  It is presented to SMITH.  All in eerie silence.  ANGELA and BELLA look increasingly worried.

SMITH turns to SAM and TED.  Using gestures, SMITH mimes ‘There is a leak from the pipe under the kitchen sink flooding the kitchen.  We tried to fix it using this rubber balloon and some sticky tape, but it didn’t really work’.  Of course, this looks like something rather more suggestive.

BELLA and ANGELA exchange a glance.

BELLA: Angela, I’m so sorry.  I just remembered - I’m supposed to be at Jo and Maria’s and I promised them you would be coming -

ANGELA (eagerly): Oh yes!  I remember.  They called just before we left.  I’m sorry, we have to go.  We’ll call you.

EXIT ANGELA and BELLA, hastily.

SAM: Wait!

TED: Come back!

SAM: This isn’t what it looks like!

TED: (hisses) What does it look like?

SAM: I don’t know.  What with le Smith waving that condom around - (to an increasingly frustrated, miming SMITH) look, would you stop doing that?

TED backs away anxiously, as though expecting SMITH to explode.  SMITH shrugs. SMITH throws the water-condom at SAM’s feet, splashing him with water, then gestures the SMITHETTES to follow and shuffles off down the street.  They follow in single file, like some strange military regiment.  Down the street and round the corner.  SAM and TED watch them go.

TED: Brr.  They give me the shivers.

SAM: I don’t even want to ask.

TED: I don’t even want to know.

SAM: What was all that about, anyway?

He prods the condom with his toe.

TED: I don’t even want to know.  Come on, lets go back inside.  Alarm’s off.

8

Inside the house.

TED: Cup of tea?

SAM: Oh, yes.  What was all that about with the -

TED: Um… Sam?

SAM: What?

TED: The kitchen’s flooded.

SAM (despairing): … plumbers bills….

They go into the kitchen and stand disconsolately with their shoes in water.

TED (comfortingly): It’s not so bad.  Look, we can probably fix it ourselves. 

SAM: … damages…

He bends and fiddles with the pipe.  A stream of water squirts out (try using a concealed water pistol?).

TED: Ah.  Maybe not.

SAM: … insurance…

TED: Sam, it’s okay. 

SAM has fallen into a fugue-like state.

TED: Sam, we’ll get through it somehow.  It’s okay.  Sam?

SOPHIE (offstage): Hey, is anyone here?

TED (surprised): Hello?

ENTER SOPHIE.

SOPHIE: Hi - I’ve come about the room.  Oh, wow.  You’ve got a burst pipe there.

SAM (bitterly): I can see that.

SOPHIE examines the pipe with a professional eye.

SOPHIE: Not too bad.  A bit of filler should hold it over until you can replace the piping.  I’ve got some at home if you’d like me to fix it for you?

SAM (revives): What?

SOPHIE: My dad’s a plumber.  I do this kind of stuff all the time.  I’m studying Aerospace Engineering, so I guess you could say it’s kind of similar.  Well, not really, but anyway…  Got a spanner?

SAM: Yes, yes.  I mean, no, we don’t have a spanner, but - you fix things, you say?

SOPHIE (fiddling with the leaky pipe): Yeah, all the time.  (She stands.)  There you go.  Just needed to tighten it.  That should hold for a while.

SAM: You’re hired.

SOPHIE: What?

SAM: I mean, in the absence of any other applicants, you can have the room.

TED: Er, Sam?

SOPHIE: Really?

TED (whispers to SAM): We don’t know anything about her yet!

SOPHIE: But I haven’t seen the room yet.

SAM: Well, we’ll soon solve that.  This is the kitchen, living room, this is Ted -

TED: Hi.

SAM: - this is the garden, dining room table [NB Use whatever happens to be in your set…].

SOPHIE: Nice.

SAM: Now, upstairs…

SOPHIE: I have some questions about rent and bill distribution.  Do you pay quarterly?  Which phone and internet providers are you using?

SAM: Yes, BT.

SOPHIE: Oh, you can get a way better deal than that.  There’s this package where you get internet and free weekend calls…

EXIT SOPHIE upstairs.

SAM: Ted, I like her already.

TED: You barely know her!  We’ve just met her.  We know nothing about her!

SAM: She can plumb.  What more is there to know?

TED (mutters): Now I know how the Smith got taken on.

SAM: What was that?

TED: Nothing.  Just remarking on your wonderfully intuitive judgment of character.

SAM: Oh, thank you.

TED (under his breath): Twat.

SOPHIE (offstage): Why are there fruit pastels in your fuse box?

TED: That’s my -!  (SAM covers his mouth)

SAM: I wonder how they got there!  How strange!

SOPHIE: You shouldn’t keep them near wiring, because they could melt and then-

All the lights go down and the electricity goes off.

SOPHIE: - yeah.  Just like that.

SAM: …electricity bills…

TED: …mmph… pastels!

Torch goes on upstairs.

SAM: You carry a torch?

SOPHIE: Yeah.  You never know when there’s going to be a power cut and it’s safer at night.  In case of mad axe-wielding jelly babies, that kind of thing.

SAM: Mad axe-wielding jelly babies. 

SOPHIE: It’s a long story.  There was a fancy dress club night and a fire axe and things got out of hand.

TED (musing): … jelly babies…

ENTER SMITH with torch, in same costume, unseen in darkness.

SAM: Ow!  No need to push!  Hands!  Where d’you think you’re touching -

TED: What are you - Hey!  Watch it!

SMITH turns torch on TED and SAM.

TED (squeaks): Smith!

SOPHIE (offstage, upstairs): Oh, sorry.  Do you want to come up now?

SAM: This is Sophie, she’s going to be living with us, maybe.

SMITH: …

SMITH climbs stairs.  EXIT.

SOPHIE (offstage): Hi.  I’m just fixing the fuse - oh.  Oh yes, sure.

TED & SAM are eavesdropping intently.

TED: Are they… having a conversation?

SAM: Sssh!

SOPHIE (offstage, laughs): Yeah, I think so too.  It’s a nice house, though.  Do you enjoy living here?  What are the other housemates like?  Oh.  I see.  They are?  Really?  Mm.

TED: What are they saying?

SOPHIE (offstage): Okay.  See you later!

Lights go on.

ENTER SOPHIE.

SOPHIE: Ta da!  Your friend really seems to like living here.  I’ve decided - I’ll take it.

SAM: Oh thank you God, Mary, Jesus and all the saints in Heaven.

TED: That’s great!  Let’s have a drink to celebrate.  (To Sophie) Are you free this evening?

SOPHIE:  I don’t have plans.

TED: York.

SAM: Fox and Duck.

TED: Oh, come on, the York is way better than the Fox and Duck.

SAM: The York is pink!

TED: Lilac.  It’s a delicate, pale shade of light purple.

SOPHIE: What about Bar One?

TED & SAM: Vetoed!

SOPHIE: Overruled.  I’m the guest, so I get to choose.

TED: Where is there a rule that says that…

Their voices trail off as they all EXIT.  SAM ENTERs to leave his dressing gown and then EXITs again.

FIN

Elizabeth Pearl